A memory prompt written for “Creative Clusterfuck,” a memoir-focused writing seminar taught by the legendary Molly Guy.
Two dates come to mind. One was truly horrendous. But the one that makes me the most upset is one that went well and nothing came from it.
His name was Sam. He was a year younger than me in high school. He hung out with music people, but he wasn’t in the marching band. He played guitar and sang and was sexy. I saw him perform at a school-related benefit and my jaw was on the floor. I remember thinking “how do people like that exist at this school and I didn’t know about it.” It was a month or two before graduating so I was filled with regret from not making a move earlier and was confused about how different my high school experience could have been if I was ‘in’ with that crowd. They were the people who didn’t care what other people thought because they were too mature hanging out in coffee shops, discovering new indie music, and sneaking beers in their basements.
A few days later, I was walking down the hallway with Olivia, a girl I went to elementary school with. She was also a musical person. We passed Sam and he yelled “WHATS UP OLIVIA.” I gawked. “You know him?!” “Yeah, I love Sam!” I had to shoot my shot, so I told her I was in love with him. In. Love. Within the hour he texted me “Hey this is Sam.” Music people truly give no fucks. Then he asked me to get frozen yogurt that night.
We met in the parking lot of Red Mango. I was nervous mostly because I had never actually spoken to him in person. Does he know who I am? Will he be disappointed that I’m not someone else when he pulls up? He arrived in a rusty, old minivan a few minutes after I did. When he approached me, he seemed excited and that calmed me down. He bought my yogurt and I took a bite every five minutes because I didn’t want it to end. He was seemingly mature and took genuine interest in my answers to the questions he asked me. When I finished my bowl, we walked out together. He said he had to go to Michael’s to pick up art supplies for his mom or sister or something. I forced myself into going with him because it was only a few minutes away. After that stop I thought “what’s next should we just keep this going all night?!” He drove me back to my car in the parking lot and there was a moment of silence before we said our goodbyes. I think both of us were waiting to see what the other would do. I was smitten. I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted him to ask me out again. Or ask me to marry him because in that moment I would have. None of those scenarios played out and I believe he just put his hand on my knee and said he “had fun.”
We ran into each other less than a year later while I was home for winter break during my first year in college. We were at a mutual friend’s house and I got way too drunk for the occasion since it was only about ten people hanging out watching TV. He was with his girlfriend, whom I guess he started dating shortly after our fling. He was shocked to see me there, as was I to see him. I told him I had so much fun on our singular date and that I was sad he never called. Again this was literally so inappropriate for the setting and his girlfriend was feet away. His was stunned.v“I thought you didn’t like me. Wow I really blew that one.” I could see the disappointment on his face and I guess his girlfriend could too because she moved closer and said, “whatcha talking about?”