As seen on Medium.
In lieu of the heartbreaking news that is #Brangelina, I am forced to self-reflect. Between the Jennifer Anniston memes, rumors of child abuse, and suspicion of an affair, there is a deeper message: that someone was at fault. “If they couldn’t make it, no one can.” “All hope is lost #Brangelina.” Yet, a lot of subtext surrounding their divorce is central to something no one admits to: the man is never to blame. Sure, we all recognize this fact, but that isn’t enough for us to stop analyzing the flaws in other women. Women are pitted against each other because its easier to judge a stranger’s hair, clothes, or social media presence (you know, the important stuff), mirroring some error in humanity. It wasn’t until the other night that I saw the problem with playing into any #Brangelina conspiracies.
A few nights ago, my friend and I were FaceTiming and discussing one of my most obvious flaws: my drinking habits. I don’t drink too much or too often, I’m actually very aware of my actions when I drink. The problem is that I test other people’s limits and use intoxication as an excuse.
Hours after pounding a plastic water bottle full of tequila, I reflected on the day I’d had: who I talked to, the embarrassing things I said, and regrettably, the phone calls I made. I didn’t have to look in my phone history to remember calling my ex-boyfriend and when he hung up after one ring, my quick impulse to call him again. (Same response.) Of course he didn’t answer, he couldn’t even send an easy “Thank you!” text back to the obligatory happy birthday one I’d sent him weeks prior.
My friend and I laughed as I tried play out scenarios of what our drunken call would’ve been. “Hey how ya doin? Tell your new girlfriend I say hi if she’s around”?!? It was then that our conversation segued (for better or for worse) and I found myself scrolling through her Instagram (that my friend led me to because he’d already previewed it days before). He warned me that “She has this one picture of them making out and I think the caption is aimed at you. . .”
Let me preface this by saying I’ve never interacted with this girl, yet, I’m confident that my past has so heavily influenced her to the point where it seems her relationship is persuaded more out of competitive nature than compassion, as displayed by the entertainment they feed off of hoping a post gets back to me. For at least one moment in time, I was their intended audience, and now I am involved in a narrative I wish to have no part in.
I only let myself look at her page for a few minutes because nothing good can come from stalking the new girlfriend. Ever. They are dating, we are not, it’s been over for a while. But amidst this investigation my friend said, “I wonder what her voice sounds like.” And honestly, I wonder a lot of things about her because I bet we’re pretty similar. If she was a stranger sitting next to me on a bus ride I’m sure we would get along just fine. It’s so easy to find commonalities among tv shows, memes, and if all else fails, Gigi Hadid. I’m sure she puts way too much thought into what to wear too, loves to sing loudly in the car with her friends, fantasizes about pizza regularly, and holds her breath every time she’s in the presence of his mother. But, for some reason, she stands by a ̶m̶a̶n̶ ̶ boy who so clearly finds contentment putting down another girl, and even worse, through the manipulation of his own relationship. Whether she’s explicitly influenced or not, something has led her to look at my Instagram, feel a pit in her stomach turned to jealousy, anger, then rage, hold onto him tighter than ever before, and and react by posting more aggressive pictures of them. I know this because I was once that person (minus the vengeful captions).
My insecurities grew immensely after the first time we hooked up, which, regrettably, was the same night he broke up with his first girlfriend. I felt dirty and wanted nothing to do with someone who was so easily able to break a girl’s heart then turn around and quickly dispense himself onto another person. I spent months in a state of doubt, and even after he promised everything to me, I could never be sure. Now, my suspicions are only confirmed by his consistency in ignorance, then putting all his energy into a new relationship before dealing with his previous one. Now, in the confusing months since the break up, I am face-to-face with a world where he is unrecognizable and all I’m left with are memories that are discredited due to his lack of cooperation in mending a friendship.
I’ve scrapped dozens of blog posts that alluded to his preexisting charm in the early stages of our relationship (that I’m sure she’s experiencing now) because he does not, and never again will he, deserve such high praise. This is a fact I can attest to after months of going blonde and self-actualizing.
I know I can’t change the habits of an entire gender in one blog post, but it’s important to bring light to the fact that there is a driving force in this pettiness: girls downplay each other to numb their present jealousy, but we are all so much better than that. I have, regrettably, behaved similarly (as I’m sure most of us can admit to), and looking back, it’s embarrassing. There’s no need to tear down a complete stranger because she is dating your ex or was dating your current boyfriend. It’s a completely separate relationship, incomparable to your own. It doesn’t mean what you had wasn’t special, but it has nothing to do with the ‘other woman’ in the picture.